Written by Robert O’ Doherty
Troll 2…Troll fucking 2…it’s a flick that’s been called ”one of the worst movies ever made.”, while I disagree with that statement, it is a bad movie…a real bad movie, but it’s damn entertaining nonetheless. The first thing I have to attack is the title itself. It’s called Troll 2, but yet, this is not a sequel and no trolls are featured, only goblins. This flick is such a mess it can’t even get its own title right. The italian director and writer of this muddle, Claudio Fragsso, got financial backing from a porn producer – nice!
The opening scene pretty much sets the tone for the film with Peter Pan being chased through the forest by dwarf’s in rubber goblin masks, wearing brown sack-like clothing. The chase was so mind-boggling hilarious that I had to watch it twice. I think the music really sold the hilarity. It reminded me of a cheesy rock band from the 80’s. A long-haired metaller swinging his hair as he knocks the amp over.
But wait, this is not real, it’s just a story ol’ grandpa Seth is telling his grandson, Joshua Waits (Michael Paul Stephenson). Did I forget to mention that grandpa Seth is a ghost? Of course no one believes Josh’s ghostly encounters.
Joshua can be a bit all over the place with his facial expressions – it’s off-putting to say the least. He kinda looks like an over-exaggerated animation that’s come to life.
Also in the Wait clan, we have the daughter, Holly (Connie Young), who may be the worst actor in this absurd spectacle. Nothing she says is convincing and her bitchy and irritating demeanor made me wanna close my laptop…what? I’m not going to punch the screen or toss it off a wall. This laptop cost more than the budget of Troll 2. And don’t get me started on the mother of the household, Diana (Margo Prey). This actress has an eerie, but robotic look that’s really unpleasant to watch. The father, Michael (George Hardy) is the least grating family member of the bunch.
When the Wait family decide to go on a family trip to Nilbog (sounds like a small village you’d find located on a map of Ireland) they’re welcomed with harsh stares from the local folk. Josh instantly knows something is wrong with the members of the community as they sport amateur make-up markings. When the Wait family enter their vacation home, they see a spread of food displayed in front of them. Of course they have no problem with snacking down on the food that appears to be covered in green Fairy Up Liquid. Seth manifests to Josh once again and informs the kid that if anyone eats the food, they’ll be turned into green goop, and the goblins will consume them. How does little Joshy stop his family from chowing down? He stands on the table, pulls his zipper down and pisses all over the food. Good job kid!
The Wait family are not the only ones who rolled into town. Holly’s boyfriend and his buddies have joined to pick up some dames, which turns out to be nothing more than a sausage-feast as each friend gets killed off, one-by-one. My favorite of the bunch is Arnold (Darren Ewing) – you might know the famous clip where he utters the line “They’re eating her! And then they’re going to eat me too! Oh my god!”. This actor cracks me up because you can tell he knows he’s in a shitty movie and is having a blast. Unfortunately Arnold gets turned into a tree from drinking some sort of potion offered to him from Creedence Leonore Gielgud a.k.a the Goblin Queen (Deborah Reed). Her character is the typical over-the-top comic book villain, but her over-acting is a joy to watch. One of the best scenes involves her seducing Arnold’s buddy with a corn on a cob; seriously, I can’t make this shit up.
The Waits family finally discover that the town are goblins in disguise and they only way to stop them is to seek the help of grandpa Seth!
To harp back on the goblins, their outfits and masks all look horrendous. I’ve seen people waiting outside the dole office that look far more menacing. I really need to watch Best Worst Movie just to see what the director was thinking when it came to creative choices. As far as I know, Fragsso thinks the movie is fantastic, and not for the right reasons. This reminds me of Tommy Wiseau, who thinks The Room is masterpiece with strong messages.
Troll 2 is not the worst movie of all time; I can give you a list of real pieces of garbage. There’s enough surreal moments of hilarity in there to keep you entertained. I found while being amused at this films cappers, it did feel like time slowed down, and that’s not a good sign…ever! I must have checked the remaining time left at least six times. With films like these, I love hearing about they got made, and the only logical next step is to watch Best Worst Movie!