G.I. Joe: Retaliation review

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G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was a mediocre popcorn flick at best. Established film theorists believe the poster featuring Sienna Miller flaunting her ass gained great attention from the male demographic which gave Rise of Cobra a Box Office profit of 127,469,017.  With numbers like these, a sequel was lurking in the shadows.

Screen Shot 2013-03-28 at 00.41.55 (Oh my!)

The trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation looked impressive as Cobra banners hung from the White House, and Snake Eyes battled ninjas across the side of a mountain. With macho additions from the The Rock to Bruce Willis, things were looking good for Hasbro’s latest film adaptation.

I’m not much of a news hound like I used to be. I like to enter the theater with anticipation for a flick – that’s why I don’t use this site as a news source. This blog is for sharing my thoughts on certain topics of interest, but I will admit, sometimes curiosity gets the best of me and I spoil too much for myself. We all have our moments of weakness – at least I’m not a crack addict. I brought this up because I watched Retaliation with very little knowledge on film.

Julia-Roberts-in-Eat-Pray-001(I wonder what’s happening over at comicbookmovie.com)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation is simply an insulting film, from a story to a technical standpoint. The script is a mess. Roadblock (The Rock) is clearly the leader, the good guy, the protagonist, but there’s no solid antagonist for our hero to battle. Cobra Commander does nothing. He walks around showing off his badass outfit, says a couple of lines here and there, and that’s all she wrote. Zartan is disguised as the president of the United States for the whole movie, played by Jonathan Pryce, so don’t expect this elderly gentleman to bust out some moves (he does play Angry Birds in one scene). Firefly (Ray Steveson) is the closest thing to a psychical treat, but he is not the main villain. So if I had to call it, Zartan is kind of the main villain…an old man is the great adversary to the Joes.

14124-29876(don’t fuck with gramps)

Rock and Willis bring what little charm and charisma they can muster from the bland script. Walton Goggins shines the brightest with the short screen time he’s got. The best cast member is RZA (some rapper guy), who plays a blind martial arts master, who tries to incorporate some sort of Asian accent into his character…now let that sink in…yeah, I can’t stop laughing either.

Jon M. Chu, who directed masterpieces such Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, Step Up 2: The Streets and my personal favorite Step Up 3D, brings his hip style to Retaliation. Everything feels like a music video – from fight scenes to general chatter between two characters. Fight scenes are fast, shaky, confusing and all round badly edited together with a continuous soundtrack playing yo! There was a scene in particular I quite enjoyed between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow that featured no music, just sounds of two ninjas duking it out. The sound design is wonderful…of course this scene blows to shit when Jinx (Elodie Yung), begins to scrape with an old woman…

G.I. Joe: Retaliation is a piss poor movie that will be forgotten a lot faster than it’s predecessor.

Overall reaction

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